I found this amazing app called Storyteller by Morgan Harper Nichols that serves up little nuggets to ponder daily and I was struck by the one this morning:
You will arrive at the future when you are meant to be there. And in the meantime, you have today to make the most of where you are.
I think frequently about my own tendency to jump to the future instead of enjoying the moment in front of me. Sometimes that's due to pain, others because I want more pleasure...but the hardest thing is staying in the moment.
I was watching the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy where a COVID story was unfolding, one of many, where the final moments of someone's life is spent in a sterile room extensibly alone. One of the characters was struggling with the decision to go in and spend time with the dying because she felt it wasn't the way it should be happening. A caring colleague and friend wisely told her that the moment is presented the way it is despite our wants...but he's sure that she'll want that moment back even in this way if she weren't to take the opportunity. He then offered to go in with her if she changed her mind.
This reminded me of one of the final days before my older sister passed last year. I was highly conflicted. I wanted to be there for her but I wasn't really sure how to do that. I look back at myself with lots of compassion because I showed up in the best way I could have in the moment. I remember one of my last private moments with her was sitting by her bed listening to her sleep. Her breathing was kinda heavy, but it's nothing that I wasn't used to hearing growing up. I loved pretty deep and heavy as a small kid, so it was unbearable to be away from her sometimes especially because I would feel so lonely. This moment reminded me of a time when for some reason I stumbled in on her sleeping with eyes half open, mouth WIDE open, breathing loudly. We were so far from that earlier moment but so much felt the same.
I know if I could walk into that moment who I am now things would be different, but that is all of life. I will say that I was conscious of not forcing myself to do anything. Not to stop crying. Not to say no to doing things I didn't feel I could handle. I took care of the little boy who had just lost his sister inside.