It's My Party, I'll Reflect If I Want To

I have become a huge believer in "trusting the process". To me, this means having comfort with the ups and downs of getting to where in life you want to go remembering you will get there. There are so many places in my life where doing just that ultimately led me to the right place. That is, until Diddy (disappointment) and Chloe (confusion) kick the door in and say, "Hey honey, we're home!".


This very moment was the first time that I actually named those two states like I've heard recommended so many times before. The burst of laughter when I landed on those names showed me that I made the right decision. I also think it's worth noting that disappointment is an emotion while confusion is not. In English, emotions and mental states seem to get conflated all too often. But I digress.


When Diddy and Chloe show up, it's similar to pulling back the plunger on a pinball machine during a multi ball: anything can happen. It's in this uncertainty that my mind pulls and sways making Diddy and Chloe bigger. My thoughts move away from sentiments like, "It didn't work that time because it's not right, but the right time will come so keep moving forward" and closer to, "Why am I even doing this? I'm never going to find what I'm looking for." The latter bit I'd call despair. A place I'm all too familiar with. The discord of an optimistic mind double talking from a place of hopelessness discord intensifies into an emotional weight.


It just occurred to me how discovering my inner workings is like physical exercise. I've regularly practiced picking up the very emotional weight I'm speaking of and putting it down internationally over the past few years. Sometimes I pick it up and feel the need to hold it up for days to weeks, but once I put it down the relief is what I remember. My old pattern was to dwell on the fact that I'm even having a problem deepening the despair. Slowly over time, the length that I hold on to it lessens. Then, in moments like these, my inner voice taps me on the shoulder and says, "There's another option. You don't have to wallow in this. Get it out of your body and feel the release."


Which led me here.


I'm in awe when I step back and consider that I'm even writing these entries on a blog. For the longest time, I didn't want to share my deeper thoughts with anyone. I now realize that holding it all in interfered with me sharing the very gifts that would connect me to others. Sharing it is hard and vulnerable which was not taught socially in my mind were parts of life that I wanted to be anywhere near. It saddens me to think of where I was and from that comes a deep compassion for what I was going through life the only way I knew how.


You know how I realized the connection I was seeking so desperately was being blocked? By beginning with the disconnection I had imbued in myself. I felt and heard how running not away from but towards the sharp painful areas hurt but had release in the knowing. The release changed the messages I heard inside to compassionate talk.

That talk became so kind and supportive that I did the next hard thing and started speaking those same thoughts out loud. The safety of my therapist listening to them without history or judgement showed me how it felt to be heard...deeply heard. Then, I started telling it publicly like I'm doing here craving that connection and audience.


The fact that I come here, letting the words flow, in moments that are usually the most turbulent is proof to me of growth. One of the things I think is hardest for many people, myself included, is being visible when I'm not on top. The perfect example of _____. I feel these moments are when we really connect to others because they realize it's not just them feeling that way and the speaker feels the same being heard.


This is one of many stories, from my lived experience, I could tell about the exercise of mental wellbeing. This feeling and more is waiting for each and every one of us no matter where we start. And, you know what? You'll find that even when Diddy and Chloe show up kicking over tables and chairs it'll hit different. It may wash over you, but it will recede like a wave...and you'll continue walking down the beach of your life eyes to the horizon.